We crave certainty. It makes us feel safe, secure- like we have some control over what happens next. But what if the very act of gripping too tightly is what keeps us stuck? What if the answers we seek aren’t found in control, but in surrender?
Life is not a straight path with clear directions, as much as we want it to be. Life is a winding river, flowing effortlessly toward the unknown. The water does not resist. It does not demand to know where it’s going. It simply moves. And somehow, it always reaches where it’s meant to be.
What would happen if you loosened your grip and flew in synchronicity with the stream of life, rather than fighting against the current? What if you let go of the fear of the unknown and trusted that life is unfolding exactly as it should?
If you struggle with letting go of control, you’re not alone. The fear of uncertainty is a natural part of being human- but what if it’s also the key to growth? Let’s explore why we hold on so tightly and how surrendering can set us free.
- The Struggle with Control
- The Illusion of Control
- Flowing with Life
- Embracing the Unknown
- Meditation: Surrendering to Flow
The Struggle with Control
Some of the things we try to control the most are relationships, careers, and even our own growth. We grip tightly, convinced that things should have happened differently- that we should be further along, that someone should have stayed, that life should have unfolded according to our plans.
But control isn’t just about the big things. It shows up in smaller ways too- the need to drive instead of being the passenger, the discomfort of unplanned change, the little rituals we cling to just to feel a sense of stability. Underneath it all, there’s often the same fear: If we let go, what will happen?
To be honest, I’m not sure when we were taught this illusion- that we have the power to control the outcome of our experiences.
For me, I’ve noticed my need for control the most in relationships. When I was younger, it showed up in ways that, at the time, I didn’t even recognize as control- like not wanting my partner to hang out with certain people, disliking the idea of them watching p*rn, even feeling uneasy about them talking about getting tattoos someday. Did this also stem from insecurity? Absolutely. But we’ll get into that in our next section.
As I got older, my need for control evolved. It became less about policing behavior and more about steering the direction of the relationship-who we spent time with, what we did, even how fast or slow things should be progressing. I had this invisible timeline in my head, pushing for things like marriage, as if checking off milestones meant I had some control over how things would turn out.
Then there were moments when my partner was upset and didn’t want to talk. That silence- that space– felt unbearable. It created a pit so deep in my stomach, it felt like the world was ending. I needed to fix it right then– not necessarily for them, but for me. Because otherwise, I wasn’t in control.
But control doesn’t just show up in relationships. I’ve also found myself clinging to it in my career-chasing promotions I didn’t want, simply because I thought that’s what I should be doing. It’s like forcing a puzzle piece into a space where it doesn’t fit. When you pursue something out of expectation rather than true desire, it’s no surprise it doesn’t work out. Yet, we sit there wondering why things didn’t turn out the way we thought they would.
And then, there’s the control over perception-shaping yourself into what you think others will like. Liking things because someone else does, not because you do. It took me well into my twenties to even begin understanding who I truly am and who I want to be. I think a lot of people never take that time- because getting to know yourself means letting go of the illusion of control.
The Illusion of Control
Why is this illusion so deeply ingrained into all of us? If you’ve been struggling with control, I can guarantee you- you’re not alone.
There are many reasons why we feel the need to be in control, but some of the most common include:
♡ Trauma: When we experience trauma, it strips us of our power. It can leave us feeling helpless, small and vulnerable, pushing us to do everything in our power to avoid feeling that way again. As a result, we try to control situations and outcomes-desperate to prevent anything that might bring back those emotions.
♡ Insecurity: When we feel insecure, we grasp for control. Maybe your feelings aren’t being reciprocated, so you try to force a situation. Maybe comparison is creeping in, so you’re clinging to an ideal- trying to be better or more like someone else. Or maybe you’re attempting to control another person’s actions, behaviors, or thoughts because a certain situation is making you feel uneasy.
♡ Fear: At its core, the need for control is rooted in fear. Fear of what might happen- or what might not happen. Uncertainty is terrifying, so instead of trusting the unknown, we try to force an outcome, believing that will keep us safe.
But let’s be honest with each other for a moment.
When was the last time you had complete and total control over a situation? When nothing went wrong, everything went according to plan, and there wasn’t a single unexpected twist?
And when was the last time something didn’t go according to plan- maybe everything went wrong- but you still found a way through? Maybe it even turned out better than you imagined.
So why are we still chasing this unattainable concept of control when we all know it’s exhausting and completely pointless?
One of my favorite quotes is:
“If you believe an act as if it’s impossible to fail, then that’s exactly the experience you will have.”
This speaks to the power of surrender. When you trust in your path and take action with the belief that it will work out, you release the need to control every detail. You set an intention for success, but you’re not fixated on how it unfolds. So, if things don’t go “according to plan,” you don’t see it as a failure- you see it as part of the process.
Flowing with Life
Imagine you’re a leaf, gently floating down a river. You move with the current- neither resisting nor forcing. There’s no struggle, no urgency. Just effortless movement, guided by the flow.
This is what it means to trust life. It’s not about being passive or expecting everything to magically fall into place. Life does require action. But there’s a difference between forcing something into existence and aligning with the natural flow of where you’re meant to go.
The universe presents opportunities- an open door, a conversation, a gut feeling that nudges you forward. Your role isn’t to construct the entire path from scratch. It’s to recognize the signs, trust the process, and take action when the moment feels right.
But if trauma or insecurity has taught you to grip tightly to control, flowing can feel impossible. When life has been unpredictable or painful, the instinct is to try to protect yourself- to build walls, to micromanage every detail, to avoid the unknown at all costs. Healing isn’t about ignoring those feelings. It’s about recognizing where they come from and learning to trust life again.
Control tells us we have to carve out the entire river ourselves. Flow reminds us that the river is already there- we just have to trust where it’s leading.
So what would it feel like to let go of the need to control every twist and turn? To trust that even if you can’t see the full picture, you’re still moving exactly where you need to be?
As Alan Watts wisely said:
“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead, you relax, and float.”
Embracing the Unknown
Letting go of control doesn’t mean giving up. It means making peace with uncertainty, trusting that even when you don’t have all the answers, life is still unfolding exactly as it should.
But that’s easier said than done. When we’ve spent years gripping tightly- whether out of fear, insecurity or past pain- releasing can feel terrifying. So how do we begin to loosen our grip? How do we start healing the part of us that believes control is the only way to stay safe?
Here are some ways to start breaking free from the need for control:
♡ Practice mindfulness and presence: Anxiety about control often comes from worrying about the future or replaying the past. Ground yourself in the now. Try deep breathing, meditation, or even just bringing full awareness to simple activities, like sipping your morning coffee or feeling the wind on your skin.
♡ Recognize & challenge fear-based thoughts: When you catch yourself spiraling into “what ifs,” pause and ask: Is this fear real, or am I creating a scenario in my mind? Remind yourself that uncertainty doesn’t automatically mean danger– it also holds infinite possibilities.
♡ Surrender small things first: You don’t have to let go of everything all at once. Start with small things: Let someone else choose where to eat. Take a different route home. Say yes to an unexpected opportunity. The more you practice surrendering in little ways, the easier it becomes to trust the bigger picture.
♡ Journal your control triggers: Write down moments when you feel the urge to control. What’s happening? What emotions are coming up? Over time, you may notice patterns- maybe it’s uncertainty in relationships, fear of failure, or discomfort with change. Awareness is the first step to healing.
♡ Trust your intuition: Control comes from fear, but intuition comes from wisdom. The more you tune into your inner guidance, the less you’ll feel the need to control external circumstances. Trust yourself enough to navigate life without forcing direction.
♡ Adopt a “flow” mindset: Instead of thinking, “things must go exactly like this,” try shifting to, “I trust that whatever happens is leading me where I need to be.” This small perspective shift can bring so much peace.
When you stop gripping so tightly, you make space for life to surprise you. You make space for ease.
Now, let’s take a moment to embody that shift- a moment to step fully into surrender.
Meditation: Surrendering to Flow
Take a moment to get comfortable wherever it is you’re sitting.
Hold your hands out in front of you, palms up. You may rest them on your knees or thighs.
Close your eyes and take three slow, deep breaths. Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for three seconds, then slowly exhale through your mouth.
1. In … Hold … Out
2. In … Hold … Out
3. In … Hold … Out
Allow your breath to become soft and natural. Feel the life force moving through your body.
Now, say aloud:
“I open myself to all that is. I feel the life force within me, and I surrender myself to the universe. I release my need for control, knowing I am a sovereign being, commanding from internal flow, not external force. I am whole and I am complete exactly as I am. I trust my divine timeline, knowing every experience is shaping me into who I am becoming. I am open. I am peace. I am love. I am flow.“
Take a slow, deep breath in… and slowly exhale.
Feel the peace and gratitude expand within you.
One more slow, deep inhale… and a soft, steady exhale.
With the sense of calm flowing through you, ask yourself:
Where in my life am I gripping too hard? What would it feel like to loosen my grip and trust the flow?
You’re not alone on your journey.
May you walk forward with trust, knowing that life is unfolding exactly as it should.
Thank you for being here and I hope you found inspiration or a piece of guidance you may have been searching for. I would love to hear from you- drop a comment or reach out!
Blessings, friends.
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